When You Lose Something Important, You'll Find Something That Matters
by korisnik
Summary: He doesn't know why Bansai does it, tries to be a voice of reason when Takasugi gets drunk and pretends he's even drunker just to quiet that voice down. [drabbles for bantaka week on tumblr/twitter]
1. Day 1 - Alcohol

Written for bantaka week day 1, prompt: You can't get attuned to my song?: music / alcohol

* * *

"Shinsuke."

Bansai's voice is calm when Takasugi pulls him on top of himself. It reminds him of the way Sensei would admonish him when he did something he knew was wrong. "Shinsuke," he'd say, his voice infinitely gentle, and Takasugi would feel so much worse than if he had just yelled at him.

He knows he shouldn't do this. He remembers what happened back then, his mouth filled with Sensei's name while his heart was already betraying him, forsaking him for other people just because they were near, sharing meals and having fun at brothels while Sensei was rotting in some damp cell for their sake. He remembers how his weakness and selfishness killed the only person who gave him a world to live in.

He doesn't know why Bansai does it, tries to be a voice of reason when Takasugi gets drunk and pretends he's even drunker just to quiet that voice down.

(That's a lie. He knows it's for his sake, and when he inevitably gives in and allows himself this, the guilt is more bearable. Bansai won't let him lose sight of what he needs to do this time. )

He grips Bansai's shoulders and captures his lower lip between his teeth, harshly biting on it before sliding his hands up to Bansai's neck and clashing their lips together.

There are times when he goes against Bansai on purpose, just to enjoy the sight of displeasure etched across his features, feel the heat of those warm eyes narrowing down on him, his lips pressed together in a disapproving frown. This isn't one of those times and it's not how Bansai reacts.

The way Bansai looks at him when he breaks the kiss is too knowing and Takasugi hates it, so he averts his gaze, closing his eye. That way he doesn't have to wonder if maybe Bansai is just fucking him out of pity instead of some misplaced sense of loyalty.

Soon they'll both be dead and none of this will matter, he tells himself as Bansai slowly pushes into him, and his hands travel from his thighs, over his hips, up his sides, making him squirm until he can't take it anymore.

There is no escape from his wretched existence yet, but for just a few short moments, his mind is blissfully blank.


	2. Day 2 - Names and Nicknames

Written for bantaka week day 2, prompt: I just wanted to see what kind of man the living legend was: appearance / names and nicknames

* * *

Matako hugged herself when she reached the lonely figure standing at the deck and idly smoking his kiseru, hardly dressed for the weather in his flimsy yukata.

"The Amanto call the one that looks like a tsuzumi drum the Orion," Takasugi said, his gaze fixed upwards.

Matako followed his gaze, but it was hard to stay interested with the cold seeping into her bones.

"Shinsuke-sama," she said, her teeth chattering. "You should come inside. You'll get sick."

Takasugi didn't spare her a look.

"Nonsense," Takechi's voice boomed from behind her. "Shinsuke-dono drinks double the recommended daily dose of Yakult for immunity."

Matako turned around at the sound, watching the newcomers joining them from the ship's cabin, Takechi placing a lit lamp outside the large open window and Bansai grabbing the shamisen from his back and stepping over the window ledge, then sitting down on it. "Leave him be, Matako," he said as he placed the shamisen in front of himself and reached for the pegs to tune it. "You should be worrying more about yourself. "

"I don't want to hear that from you, senpai!" She cried out, even though Bansai was already ignoring her and began to play, satisfied with the sound. "I know you're not wearing anything underneath that coat!"

For some reason, Takasugi wasn't bothered by all the noise surrounding him. It wasn't difficult to drown it out as he gazed at the clear night sky, a ghost of a smile on his face. Illuminated by the moon, the world seemed less bleak. On nights such as this one, he almost felt warm.

(It turned out the warmth was a fever and the world was so rotten even the Yakult that was supposed to protect him went stale.

"I can't say I know the difference between drinking stale yakult and normal yakult." Bansai stopped playing abruptly, lifting his head as if he suddenly remembered something after Takechi delivered the news of Shinsuke's condition next morning and Matako ran off to nurse him to health. "Either way, you end up on the toilet, do you not?")


	3. Day 3 - 3-z

Written for bantaka week day 3, prompt: Heartless and hardcore: 3-z / alternate universe. I was really bothered by this fic because all of the other fics from day one to day seven are flowing together nicely, and really make sense as one coherent unit, or at least I hope they do once you get to see them all, and this one just disrupts the flow. so 1) we can pretend the 3-Z au is yesterday's takasugi having a fever and hallucinating and then it doesn't disrupt the flow (?) or 2) *points at the title* it doesn't fit the flow, but it still fits the theme, okay, it does.

I have this whole 3-z au planned in my head, I tweeted out their whole lives together, and I really like it, but then when the time came to pick one scene and write about it - zero inspiration. The only thing I had in my head was this meme on twitter: /mgmgtakasg/status/870577968392818689  
so I apologize. Takasugi's major crush on Bansai is messing with his perception, making Bansai seem cooler than he is, but actually he's just as much of a loser as the rest of the Takasugi gang.

* * *

Bansai was standing in his room, water dripping from him onto the floor, and holding a small black plastic bag in his hand.

They were in the middle of a really hot makeout session on Bansai's bed, when Takasugi suddenly pulled away, opened his mouth and blurted out "Let's do it", forcing Bansai to run in the rain to the nearest drug store still open in the evening.

Takasugi moved to the edge of the bed and accepted the bag. "I told you we could just use the stuff you put on your hair."

"I'm not sure how safe that would be," Bansai said as if Takasugi had meant that seriously, peeking out from the bathroom where he was in the process of taking off his wet clothes and starting a shower.

Takasugi opened the bag, peering into it. There was a bottle of lube and a small box of condoms.

To be honest, Takasugi said it in the heat of the moment, and by the time Bansai returned he wasn't sure it was a good idea anymore. Takasugi didn't have many friends, and he wasn't interested in making new ones, either. There was Katsura when they were younger, but even then they never verbally acknowledged each other as such, and by the time they got to high school they drifted apart completely. Other than him, there was Matako, a first year who had a not-so-secret crush on Takasugi even though they barely even talked or maybe precisely because they barely even talked, Takechi, a third year who probably only followed them around because no one else wanted to be near him, and Bansai.

Bansai lived alone in a small 1K apartment, leaving his parents behind in Kumamoto while he moved to Tokyo for high school so he could get into the music industry from there. Takasugi would never admit it, but he didn't think he could be that independent. He and Bansai shared the same class for two years now, and Takasugi got into a habit of showing up at Bansai's doorstep after aimlessly wandering around the cit whenever he'd have a fight with his dad, knowing that Bansai would always let him in, no questions asked.

The only thing Bansai ever asked from him was on the day they started hanging out in their first year. Takasugi was humming under his breath, not paying attention in class, and Bansai leaned over in his seat and asked him to join his band. Takasugi said he had other business. Bansai never asked again, but from that day on he never strayed too far from Takasugi. By now he must've figured out that was a blatant lie - Takasugi never had much to do.

He somehow managed not to ruin their relationship on the day they skipped school and bought cheap beer and went from being friends to friends who kissed and... stuff, but this was a much bigger deal. After this, they'd either get demoted to fuck buddies, or promoted to something a lot more serious, and Takasugi tried to keep his cool, but both possibilities scared him.

Bansai emerged from the bathroom wearing a pair of boxers and drying his hair with a towel. "It's all yours now."

Takasugi's face must've shown more than he wanted to, because Bansai walked over to the bed and carefully sat next to him. The back of Takasugi's treacherous brain registered how fresh and clean he smelled.

"Have you done this before?"

Takasugi didn't answer.

Bansai shifted a little, looking out through the window. "It doesn't seem like the rain will stop any time soon. You should stay the night."

He turned his gaze back towards Takasugi who was still clutching the bag and frowning at the floor, watching him intently. "If you wish to, we could do something else. Or, I can lay out the extra futon for you." Takasugi grimaced. Hell no, he didn't want that. Bansai was still talking next to him, but Takasugi didn't listen.

"...Although, I wouldn't mind using this some other time. I would like my first time to be with you, as wellhmmmph-"  
Bansai's words were suddenly muffled by Takasugi throwing the bag on the bed and grabbing his face, pulling him into a deep kiss.

Takasugi made up his mind. He was many things, but he was not a coward.

He didn't know what they were going to be come tomorrow morning and he didn't trust himself not to fuck this up, but with Bansai wrapping his arms around him and kissing him back, he realized that even if he didn't trust himself, he trusted Bansai.


	4. Day 4 - Kiheitai family

When the sky starts to darken and the men are stumbling on their feet from the long trek since their escape from prison, they finally reach an abandoned stable provided to Takasugi by an ally, an old Joui sympathiser who lost both sons in the war.

As the beginnings of his new army go about setting up camp for the night, Takasugi leans on a dilapidated wooden fence and fills his kiseru, watching Bansai telling Matako to stick to him. They just released a whole prison full of people and they haven't yet established who can be trusted.

Takasugi feels a strange rush of irritation on Matako's behalf - he didn't bring her along so she'd be coddled and she knew the risks when she decided to come with them. She gives Bansai a wary look and Takasugi's lip curls into a small smile. It does sound exactly like something someone suspicious would say, especially if that someone is an established assassin whose idea it was to free the prisoners in the first place. (But, there is something in Bansai that inspires trust. Takasugi felt it on his own skin.)

Years later, when Bansai takes a young idol down on her luck under his wing, Takasugi asks him if he has any younger siblings.

"No, I can't say that I do," Bansai says, his brows knitted in confusion.

Maybe it's in his nature then. Takasugi wonders if he's among those Bansai deems weak enough to need his protection. He wonders, and that night, when the ghosts of the past come to visit and he wakes up drenched in sweat, he doesn't find his way to Bansai's room.


	5. Day 5 - Confessions

Bansai was certain the last time Shinsuke slept was still on Rakuyou. He was heavily wounded and exhausted, but he kept going, pushing himself over the limit through the battles in space and on Earth, and then refusing to leave Bansai's side for hours until his condition had stabilized, the steady presence of his melody reminding Bansai what he promised to fight, to _stay alive_ for as his mind flitted in and out of consciousness.

The faint smile that greeted him when he opened his eyes was a reward in itself.

It was like the rush of relief gave Shinsuke's brain permission to feel tired, Bansai noted with amusement as he watched him struggle to listen while the doctors were explaining Bansai's condition to Takechi, then give up, nervously pacing around instead while Matako tried to get him to drink tea from the vending machine until one of the nurses decided they were bothering the patient, wanting them to leave the room. It resulted in Shinsuke engaging in a glaring contest with her and nearly getting all of them kicked out not just out of Bansai's room, but the hospital entirely.

It was when Takechi and Matako succumbed to their exhaustion and fell asleep in the hallway that Takasugi managed to give them the slip and return to the chair next to Bansai's bed, arms crossed and a look of concentration on his face while it was getting harder and harder to keep his head up.

Bansai feebly tugged at his elbow to pull him into bed with him, startling Shinsuke who gave him a puzzled look before realizing what he wants.

"You don't know how tempting it is," he smiled.

It sounded like a refusal, but Bansai tugged once more, and Takasugi turned his gaze to the bed, staring at it with a conflicted expression before chancing a quick look at Bansai and giving in. He clumsily climbed in next to him, having just enough sense to take his shoes off before his head hit the pillow and he drifted off instantly.

Bansai, still feeling the drowsy effects of painkillers, didn't know how much time had passed, but he was on the verge of falling asleep himself when he heard a light knock on the door.

"Tche. The bastard has no right to look that innocent." Gintoki whispered, taking in the sight before him as he entered Bansai's hospital room.

Gintoki held up a plastic bag, then moved to Bansai's nightstand, taking CDs out of the bag and carefully stacking them up so they don't make any noise. "Shinpachi sent you these, in case you get bored. It's his favourite singer. I know his music taste is err... questionable, but try not to hurt his feelings when he asks you about them."

Bansai reached for a CD from the top of the stack and instantly recognized it. "I happen to think Otsuu-chan is one of the greatest artistic minds of the decade."

Gintoki nodded absent-mindedly while stuffing the empty plastic bag in his sleeve. "Yeah, you can say something like that. Well, maybe tone it down a little, you don't want to make it too on the nose."

He turned towards the large hospital window, gaze travelling over what used to be the Edo skyline. His voice was soft when he spoke again. "Seems like you lot are out of work. There's not much left to destroy." He gave Bansai a scrutinizing stare. "What now?"

Bansai smiled. "I'm afraid I'm not the right person to ask."

"You just follow where he goes, huh? That doesn't really sound like smart decision-making to me. Look where it led you."

Bansai was quick to correct him. "I would argue it led me exactly where I needed to be."

Gintoki couldn't dispute that. He turned back to the window with a solemn expression before he stretched his arms lazily, sighing as he scratched the back of his head.

"Well, I won't bother you anymore. Unlike you, I do have work to do." He turned on his heel, heading for the door. "That's the downside of the world not ending - the rent still needs to get paid, even if your home is barely standing."

Gintoki carefully closed the door behind him and and Bansai suddenly felt a wave of tiredness washing over him. He tried to adjust himself on the pillows better, biting down a hiss of pain as the movement irritated his stitches. It was the last thing he wanted to wake his bedmate up with. He glanced at Shinsuke to make sure he was still asleep, then settled down, ruminating on what one ought do to if one's home isn't barely standing, but sleeping. He supposed he was already doing what he should.

After all, when you make a promise, it's only polite to keep it.

* * *

Notes: This isn't a very realistic fic, I know that. Why is Bansai so well so soon, and why is Gintoki visiting him so soon? I had two ideas in my head, I had the picture of Takasugi sleeping in Bansai's bed, and I wanted to write Gintoki and Bansai interacting. Now, the first part would only make sense if it took place in the first few days of Bansai recovering, when only his family would be around, and then I realized he'd have to have a respirator, and not be so well yet, etc etc, which is probably why he doesn't talk in the first part of the fic at all, lol. The second part would take place after those first few days, when he'd be feeling better, and Gintoki would be able to visit after also spending the first couple of days with his family, and the time to discuss what after Utsuro would be more appropriate etc etc. Anyway, I had no idea how to write these two separate events and make a fic out of them, until I smushed them together into one. I tried to protect both, but that was the same as throwing both away.


	6. Day 6 - Lazy mornings

Light rain started to drizzle and Bansai got up to partially close the shoji doors. A breeze carried the scent of spring blooms across the land and into his room, mixing with the smell of wet earth and wood. Bansai was just recently released from the hospital and everything felt a little offbeat and exciting. Shinsuke helped destroy the world as they knew it, ushering in a strange new era, and Bansai smiled at the thought of the Kiheitai nameplate at the front entrance of their residence, the characters making up the phrase "Demon soldier army" in sharp contrast with the peaceful atmosphere the house seemed to be exuding in early mornings. A strange new era, indeed.

There was a brand new shamisen on a stand in the corner of the room, a gift to wish him a swift recovery and to replace the destroyed one. Bansai had a feeling this one would last longer. At any other opportunity, he would've yearned to touch it, caress the strings and find out the scope of sounds it was capable of making, but right now, there was something else he wanted more.

He returned to the warmth of his futon, lifting the covers and settling next to Shinsuke who was still feigning sleep, his back turned to him. Bansai wrapped his arm around the pale body, eliciting an incoherent grumble from Shinsuke.

"For a man who claims to be infatuated with my music, you sure have a hard time keeping your hands away from my body," he muttered, annoyed by the cold Bansai brought in with himself .

Oh, if only Shinsuke knew about the way his tune changed under Bansai's hands. Bansai pressed his mouth to Shinsuke's bare shoulder and felt him relax into the touch.

Shinsuke alive, and the world destroyed. None of it went the way it was originally planned, but Bansai found it didn't feel any less satisfying. He'll take it.


	7. Day 7 - Life after Utsuro

He doesn't choose to stay in Edo because Gintoki and Zura are there, each of them growing roots that are sprawled underneath its numerous streets, or because Sakamoto visits almost every month, laughing how there's no place like home when he gets thrown out of his favourite snack bar.

He chooses to stay because he knows Bansai thrives while listening to the heartbeat of a big city, finding inspiration on every corner, because he wants to give Matako an opportunity to have a life he feels they took away from her, because he hopes that in a place where there's always so much to do, Takechi will find himself a hobby that doesn't grate on Takasugi's nerves as much, something like gardening or cooking or solving sudoku puzzles, and won't notice he burned his lolicon collection, a dangerous glint in his eye as he watched the fire crackling in the bin.

He doesn't know when he started placing their well-being above his own, or when their well-being became his own, but it doesn't feel like it's weighing him down like he thought it would when he was a schoolboy, listening to lessons on duty and responsibility, or like it did during the war, when he was too weak to hold the weight up and all of them broke under the pressure.

Instead, when he's trying not to wobble on his way back from the Kabuki district (because Sakamoto visited again, and Zura said they needed a fourth person for UNO, and after his last victory Gintoki owed him a drink that turned into a drinking contest), and he notices the lights are still burning and he can pick out faint notes of the shamisen over the sounds of bickering and laughter, he doesn't think he's as drunk on sake and shochu as he is on the pure exhilaration of finally being free.


End file.
